Splendidly, Kait talks millennial mating.
You’re gonna want to find a nice place to sit and read for this one.
Social media is the breeding ground for conversation. For the past month or so, the conversation dominating my Twitter timeline has been on the topic of dating, relationships, and love.
A tweet there about wanting a girlfriend who does X, Y, and Z.
A thread of tweets here about how to keep your man happy.
A tweet debate over there about the expectations women have going into relationships.
It’s a hot topic.
We are all guilty of tweeting our personal relationship resumes in the form of subtweets and threads and even more guilty of passionately professing on social media the things that we seek romantically. Yet somehow… many of us are still single.
Why is that?
Why do we all speak into existence the things that we yearn for in a significant other but never seem to get them?
Are there no solid people around anymore? Is the world now simply full of fuckboys and girls who play games? Are we all just going to be single and miserable forever?
Well, the answer is no, because for every single person on my Twitter timeline, there is someone else in a committed, happy relationship.
I’ve found that the main obstacle for millennial love is this: the conception that love is impossible and is made impossible by the barriers we create.
These barriers include “ain’t shitness,” falling in love with a person’s potential, waiting for the perfect timing, misguided relationship goals, getting stuck in the talking stage, and being afraid to shoot your shot.
Most of the time, these barriers fuse together to form one big, bad, Transformer-like barrier specifically designed to keep you single and caught up in your feelings.
“Ain’t shitness” is unisex, believe it or not.
An ain’t shit person is the equivalent of a leech. They suck up all of your positivity and the great things you have to offer. The only mark they leave on your life is hurt. Through a relationship lens, ain’t shit people suck up all of your love, respect, and loyalty without reciprocation, but are very skilled in the act of manipulation.
And here is where the vicious Transformer-like barrier of love comes to ruin your day. This is usually how it goes down.
You meet an ain’t shit person disguised as a great person. You spend loads of time with them and start to think that, together, you could be the next power couple. You have entered the talking stage, AKA the relationship limbo of commitment, AKA the abyss where love goes to die. And it is during this stage in which the person that has literally everything you want in a significant other starts to show their ass. They start ignoring you, or they start flirting with someone else, and with an evil laugh they peel off the great person mask they’ve been wearing this entire time, unveiling their ain’t shitness to the world.
Yet, you’re stuck. You’ve already seen how great this person could be if they wanted to, and are drawn in by their potential. Their potential as a boyfriend/girlfriend, as a student, as an overall person.
So now you are forced to make a choice. You leave them high and dry… or you wait. And this is where most of us get caught up.
We get so caught up in our feelings and in the potential of this ain’t shit person that we get duped into infatuation. The ain’t shit person has you at arms length, close enough to leech off of your aforementioned amazing qualities, but far enough so that they won’t have to commit.
“I want the person they could be if they stopped fucking around.”
“I want the person they could be if they stopped playing games.”
If, if, if.
I don’t know about y’all, but the only game I want to play with my significant other is Uno. I don’t have time for the games ain’t shit people are playing.
We begin to convince ourselves that this ain’t shit person needs us. I mean, you see their tweets, you see that they will tell anyone who will listen their idea of a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend, how they’ve been hurt in previous relationships, the plans they have for their next one. You see that they yearn for all the things you could provide them.
Yet, they will not see you standing right in front of them, ready to hand over your heart, time, and affection; ready to invest in a meaningful relationship.
But they don’t want you, despite how perfect you two could be. And that is because they have you at arms length, and they placed you there on purpose.
Don’t get it twisted.
They placed you there on purpose.
If they truly wanted to, they could bring you into their world. But they haven’t, and will not. This is the part that most of us have difficulty accepting. This is the part that causes us to end up waiting forever on our favorite ain’t shit people to act right.
But the truth is – when ain’t shit people want to act right, they will. And if they haven’t with you, then there’s your proof right there. They will not. But this is just something that we have to take on the chin, because it doesn’t matter how perfect you could be for them – if they’re not reciprocating your feelings, that means that they’re not the perfect person for you.
Anyone who refuses your love does not deserve it in the first place.
Getting caught up in this ain’t shitness is what prevents us from getting what we truly deserve in a relationship.
This is also the reason why most people don’t shoot their shot.
Shooting your shot is simply extending a line, telling someone you are interested in that you are, well, interested in them. But this is terrifying to many, of course, because it makes you vulnerable to rejection and to emotion.
If you shoot your shot from the foul line, from half court, or from the parking lot and miss, you’ll feel the sting of rejection, no matter how easy the person lets you down. Rejection reinforces loneliness. However, if your shot makes it in, there may always be an inkling of doubt in the back of your mind that things could take a turn for the worse and you could get your feelings hurt.
Many of us are physically drained after dealing with and entertaining ain’t shit people, and this fatigue is what fuels the conception that love is impossible. But we can’t let the “Transformer” win and prevent us from getting what we truly deserve.
So what do we think we deserve in a relationship exactly?
I did a survey on Twitter and asked this question exactly. The top answers were: honesty and transparency, loyalty, love and romance, effort and consistency, respect, communication, and friendship.
Asking yourself what you think you deserve in a relationship is a lot different than thinking about what a relationship deserves. For you to want all of these great things that come with a significant other, you have to hold yourself high enough to believe and trust that you deserve them.
“Relationship goals” flood social media 24/7 and can range between videos of a man playing with his girlfriend’s hair or a photoset of Whitley and Dwayne from A Different World.
Loneliness is real and “relationship goals” can act as a trigger.
However, wanting someone to call your other half shouldn’t be based on your loneliness, but rather wanting someone to call your better half. After all, isn’t that the true point of a romantic relationship anyhow? To find someone that will make you a better version of yourself and to find someone that you can build a legitimate future with?
Don’t go out there searching so hard for a significant other that you forget about the “significant” part. Toxic people like the ain’t shit ones exist – don’t let your loneliness blind you into bringing someone into your life that will only be a detriment to your overall well-being.
And that is what comes first, always. For you to want a better half, you also have to be the better half for someone else. Ask yourself this:
Are you really ready to invest in another person?
Are you really ready to be in a committed relationship?
Are you healed from your last relationship?
Or are you just lonely?
I’ve seen time and time again the people who think they know themselves to the core jump into relationships. These relationships don’t last too long.
Before moving on to the “next one,” rebuild yourself.
It’s a process that varies in length for everyone, but a process that is powerfully beneficial nonetheless.
One has to love themselves and be okay with themselves. When I say “be okay” with themselves, I don’t mean self-esteem and confidence – that’s under the category of self love. I mean you have to be okay with being by yourself. When you are alone in a room, you should be comfortable with your own presence. Sounds corny, but it’s true.
When you love yourself and you’re okay with yourself, the only thing you’ll want for yourself is happiness. You won’t self-sabotage and entertain ain’t shit people and you won’t feel lonely at the first kissing couple video that pops up onto your timeline.
This is essential.
You have to love yourself and be okay with yourself before you seriously bring another person into your life – face it, nobody wants to be a life janitor for someone else. Clean up your own mess, take accountability, rise up to the responsibility, and seize the happiness you know you deserve.
And that happiness doesn’t necessarily have to be in the form of another person.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise – being single is lit.
Yeah, yeah, everybody misses cuddling and having someone there for you.
But there should be no rush. Hold yourself down in the meantime. Treat yourself. Surround yourself with so much positivity and support that you’ll rarely feel the ache of loneliness.
Ain’t shit and toxic people are on every corner. Do not wait around for them. Do not let them play with your time or your feelings.
Love is not impossible. All the crappy things that come with bad relationships are not cornerstones of every relationship. Love is not impossible.
We have to stop thinking that it is.
Here is my last piece of advice… take this as a call to arms. Give your life a human detox, rid yourself of all the people that are tying you down and do not belong. Get to know yourself. Don’t let vulnerability scare you out of love!
Now… if only I could take my own advice. LOL.
Thanks for talking love with me. 🙂
Leave a comment, and we can talk some more.
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